Ethan doesn't want to make the sound that he's making.
It's helpless how it comes out of him though. He doesn't know-- there-- they are probably alive ,but he doesn't know that that is a comfort anymore. After everything he has went through, after all these hours, it's no comfort to know they are still out there too, suffering again and again day in and day out. His brothers. People he loves and cares about, and he knows even if she wasn't physically touched, the worse torture of all this--
It's not knowing. It's hearing the screams and not being able to get to them. It's knowing someone you love so much is feeling more pain than you would ever want them to feel.
Everything-- all of it still hurts, and it's not so much the physical pain of it anymore, and he knows there are scars on him though he is healing. The healing too (as fast as it is) it's Lucien's. Every pat of him is Lucien's, and he hates it, he hates himself, he wants to tear himself apart until there's nothing but Ethan left... knowing even if he could, he couldn't survive that way. His body is not his own.
That has been made fantastically, terrifyingly clear to him, and he knows it, thudding in his chest like this constant reminder that none of his body is his own.
He doesn't know how she's doing it. Delusion or real hope, he doesn't know. He doesn't know, but he knows she needs to believe it, and it's all he can give to her after everything that has happened. It's the very least he can give to her, and he'll believe it too, because without it, it means believing he becomes what his father wants for him, for his brothers, and he can't- he would rather be dead. He should be dead instead of that.
His hands slip up against her face, and they're warm but they are shaking and they are weak and uncertain, because he doesn't trust his own body if it is not his own. His hands slip through her hair, and he closes his eyes at the-- the feeling like a fire in his head and his chest.
I'm so, so sorry.
"I won't leave you alone," Ethan says finally when he can manage words, and he has gathered all the strength inside of him, all the Ethan that is still there even if he is there in pieces. He reaches his hands up to slide around her face this time, and he looks at her through that darkness. "I won't leave you."
She doesn't have to tell him to hold on. He will be there, now that he knows she is alive too. There's no part of him that could ever abandon her, and it is nothing that he has to try at, nothing that is impossible for him to do.
It's natural.
If she's alive (and she has to stay alive that- there is no other alternative for him), he will survive. He will live. He will hold on as Ethan, and he won' let his grip on sanity lessen, he won't let his grip on hope and on fighting and on a fire that barely exists inside of him go.
He breathes in as her palm presses against his face, and his hand slides over hers, taking it in his own as he looks at her, so much tangled in his chest, always tangled there. An I love you he should have given her before they were ever shoved in a situation like this one.
his father knew it, his father would use her name against him to make him scream, to make him--
Ethan glares from his spot, hands still on Elena, but he knows-- he knows who has the power in this situation, and it's not him and it's not Elena even if her bravery, her fight is ... breaking him. His heart cracks open, and he tries to keep himself from shaking. It's his fucking father.
He shoves himself up to his feet though the chains remain around his wrists still, shackled there. And he's shaking as he does so, wincing as he does so, resting back against the wall behind him, pain flooding through him.
"There's no need to use such a rude tone," Lucien says, tapping his finer tips on the bars and the sound echoes into the cell as he shoots her a look. Such fire, Elena. If you were a witch, he would take you in a heartbeat, less than a heartbeat. Never enough birds in cages to play with but this will do, this purpose will do, and he wonders how long she'll keep that fire tonight. "I know you've both been quite busy. You likely didn't know what day it was today."
Ethan keeps his hand on Elena until his own fury gets too much, and his hands become fists at his sides, tightening and shaking. His nails press into the skin of his palm and start to bleed. "Get on with it," he says, the fire and hatred coming out in his voice.
"You've only got a few hours until the full moon. I thought you'd appreciate the company, boy."
Less than a second later, Ethan has sprinted forward with all his strength and speed at the bars that he can't reach. Panic and rage enter him in equal measure beyond words as soon as he realizes, and he screams, growls at him all at once. It's nearly inhuman the sound and as soon as he realizes what sound he's making, the fact that he probably knocked Elena down in his desperation to get to his father, he'll feel terrible.
But he can't-
he can't-
not her not her not her not her not her
"This is what happens when you disobey me," Lucien says plainly, unmoved by Ethan's shoving himself at the bar, his fists flailing at the metal there, shackles digging deep into his skin.
"You can't. You have to take her out of here- You have to get her out of here you can't do this to her! You can't do this! You can't." And he's screaming, practically trying to escape his own skin, his own bones, fire running like a wildfire over his chest and his eyes and the whole of himself. Lava shoving through him, burning deep in the pit of himself.
And Lucien laughs from his position.
He laughs.
His father laughs.
this is what he wants.
this is what
ethan was made for
because he stopped running, because he said no instead of caving
elena elena please don't please no no not her not her he can' hican't ican't
It's not hit him yet, not fully, it hasn't, it can't as he tries desperately to reach the bars but ends up on the floor of the cell instead fighting against something that can't be fought againtinsteadhe he ca
no subject
It's helpless how it comes out of him though. He doesn't know-- there-- they are probably alive ,but he doesn't know that that is a comfort anymore. After everything he has went through, after all these hours, it's no comfort to know they are still out there too, suffering again and again day in and day out. His brothers. People he loves and cares about, and he knows even if she wasn't physically touched, the worse torture of all this--
It's not knowing. It's hearing the screams and not being able to get to them. It's knowing someone you love so much is feeling more pain than you would ever want them to feel.
Everything-- all of it still hurts, and it's not so much the physical pain of it anymore, and he knows there are scars on him though he is healing. The healing too (as fast as it is) it's Lucien's. Every pat of him is Lucien's, and he hates it, he hates himself, he wants to tear himself apart until there's nothing but Ethan left... knowing even if he could, he couldn't survive that way. His body is not his own.
That has been made fantastically, terrifyingly clear to him, and he knows it, thudding in his chest like this constant reminder that none of his body is his own.
He doesn't know how she's doing it. Delusion or real hope, he doesn't know. He doesn't know, but he knows she needs to believe it, and it's all he can give to her after everything that has happened. It's the very least he can give to her, and he'll believe it too, because without it, it means believing he becomes what his father wants for him, for his brothers, and he can't- he would rather be dead. He should be dead instead of that.
His hands slip up against her face, and they're warm but they are shaking and they are weak and uncertain, because he doesn't trust his own body if it is not his own. His hands slip through her hair, and he closes his eyes at the-- the feeling like a fire in his head and his chest.
I'm so, so sorry.
"I won't leave you alone," Ethan says finally when he can manage words, and he has gathered all the strength inside of him, all the Ethan that is still there even if he is there in pieces. He reaches his hands up to slide around her face this time, and he looks at her through that darkness. "I won't leave you."
She doesn't have to tell him to hold on. He will be there, now that he knows she is alive too. There's no part of him that could ever abandon her, and it is nothing that he has to try at, nothing that is impossible for him to do.
It's natural.
If she's alive (and she has to stay alive that- there is no other alternative for him), he will survive. He will live. He will hold on as Ethan, and he won' let his grip on sanity lessen, he won't let his grip on hope and on fighting and on a fire that barely exists inside of him go.
He breathes in as her palm presses against his face, and his hand slides over hers, taking it in his own as he looks at her, so much tangled in his chest, always tangled there. An I love you he should have given her before they were ever shoved in a situation like this one.
his father knew it, his father would use her name against him to make him scream, to make him--
Ethan glares from his spot, hands still on Elena, but he knows-- he knows who has the power in this situation, and it's not him and it's not Elena even if her bravery, her fight is ... breaking him. His heart cracks open, and he tries to keep himself from shaking. It's his fucking father.
He shoves himself up to his feet though the chains remain around his wrists still, shackled there. And he's shaking as he does so, wincing as he does so, resting back against the wall behind him, pain flooding through him.
"There's no need to use such a rude tone," Lucien says, tapping his finer tips on the bars and the sound echoes into the cell as he shoots her a look. Such fire, Elena. If you were a witch, he would take you in a heartbeat, less than a heartbeat. Never enough birds in cages to play with but this will do, this purpose will do, and he wonders how long she'll keep that fire tonight. "I know you've both been quite busy. You likely didn't know what day it was today."
Ethan keeps his hand on Elena until his own fury gets too much, and his hands become fists at his sides, tightening and shaking. His nails press into the skin of his palm and start to bleed. "Get on with it," he says, the fire and hatred coming out in his voice.
"You've only got a few hours until the full moon. I thought you'd appreciate the company, boy."
Less than a second later, Ethan has sprinted forward with all his strength and speed at the bars that he can't reach. Panic and rage enter him in equal measure beyond words as soon as he realizes, and he screams, growls at him all at once. It's nearly inhuman the sound and as soon as he realizes what sound he's making, the fact that he probably knocked Elena down in his desperation to get to his father, he'll feel terrible.
But he can't-
he can't-
not her not her not her not her not her
"This is what happens when you disobey me," Lucien says plainly, unmoved by Ethan's shoving himself at the bar, his fists flailing at the metal there, shackles digging deep into his skin.
"You can't. You have to take her out of here- You have to get her out of here you can't do this to her! You can't do this! You can't." And he's screaming, practically trying to escape his own skin, his own bones, fire running like a wildfire over his chest and his eyes and the whole of himself. Lava shoving through him, burning deep in the pit of himself.
And Lucien laughs from his position.
He laughs.
His father laughs.
this is what he wants.
this is what
ethan was made for
because he stopped running, because he said no instead of caving
elena elena please don't please no no not her not her he can' hican't ican't
It's not hit him yet, not fully, it hasn't, it can't as he tries desperately to reach the bars but ends up on the floor of the cell instead fighting against something that can't be fought againtinsteadhe
he ca
he n
he can't
"I wouldn't tell me what I can or can't do."
Echoing in his head.