It was a complete violation of someone's free will.
Hers, his, but mostly -- she understands now in a way she couldn't have possibly understood before how every night he would turn is a complete and total violation of his free will. She talks a good game, and she sees the humanity in supernatural beings that not many other people would, but it's another thing to see their supernatural side at its very worst without anything to save you from it.
And just when you think it couldn't possibly get worse, Lucien was sick and twisted enough to throw her in there with him while he lived his worse fear. She just couldn't let him kill himself, even knowing what that could mean. Elena couldn't, especially not to spare her own life, and she doesn't linger on what that means.
All she knew was he couldn't die, and she grasped at straws that ended up being true.
It wasn't a test, though. It was just another one of Lucien's mind games, and Elena had no way of knowing Ethan would be made to believe what he did, much less would she have been able to find a way to get to him enough to stop it and she tried. Everything about the past weeks has been all about trying far past what should be anyone's human limits, and it never made any difference.
The reason they were saved had nothing to do with how hard they fought and how they hung in there. It just gives it more significance entirely by accident, and she couldn't quite help the bitterness of the thought aside from the relief that wrapped her hole.
Relief that it wasn't over. That they're not dead and that's all she could think about as she was locked away in one of the farthest rooms away from everyone else. She'd think about their dying, she would think about more gravestones, and they did learn there is something much less merciful than death but that didn't stop the fear, the horrifying thoughts.
Not the most horrible of them.
How can one allow themselves to believe the truly horrible, the most horrible of it all, and still be expected to go on? You can't. It's not possible, so you believe the delusion even if you know that's what it is.
Nothing could've, not until the end, and Elena still isn't sure how it all happened.
She hasn't given herself time to stop and think and process. She's only been able to handle one thing at a time and as soon as she could, her only thought was to get to him. Without even letting her think he might not believe her, that it might not work, she doesn't allow those alternatives to register because she has to make him see and he has to be okay.
Connor looks over at Logan, the heaviness inescapable in his eyes. He nods at the reassurance, and it is a reassurance in some way. Logan is one of the older ones and Connor still looks to him for guidance, because he sure as hell doesn't know what to do about anything now. There's the pain and there's the anger and there's the waiting.
It is agonizing to wait for confirmation to finally allow himself to believe that maybe it's over, but until there is, until there's some proof in his hands that he can believe beyond all doubt he's not letting himself rest. Not allowing himself to be relieved. Until then he waits, vigilant, and he does what he can.
As if he can do anything.
As he wonders, and he wonders as much as Logan, and Elena isn't keeping it from them but it's not -- it's not something that'll be coming from her anytime soon.
Elena shakes her head again, shovign down the pain that comes with those words. It's not like she didn't think what he was thinking, moments before she was dragged off. She thought it was the end. She was horrified to realize she'd been wrong and he would have to live with this, but it didn't happen and her grip on his face tightens helplessly so.
"No, you didn't. Ethan, it was the carcass of a deer. I'm fine. You didn't do anything to me," Elena says. It doesn't matter that the words might not reach him, she has to say them anyway, say them as many times as she can until she's blue in the face and he believes her.
Elena flinches when he pulles his hand away, and she doesn't try reaching for it again. At least, not that time. She understands. Why he looks at her the way he does, and the pain and guilt in his eyes is a punch to the gut. "It wasn't you," she says helplessly. "You didn't hurt me. I'm not scared of you."
If that makes her stupid, then she's stupid.
She doesn't move from her spot at his knees, and she practically holds her breath until his head is resting against her shoulder. Elena blinks back tears as her hand slides over the back of his head, her face leaning against his as she finally allows herself the breath. She cups the back of his head gently with a hand, not daring to move from her spot.
"Ethan, you're not," she whispers plaintively.
Elena draws back, but only so that she can see his face, touch it again with her hands. She draws back only so that she can look into his eyes when he opens them again. It hurts so much to see it all there, but it's better than the nothing. It's the nothingness that would really scare her, she wouldn't be able to handle that.
"You're not hallucinating. If you don't trust yourself, I need you to trust me."
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Hers, his, but mostly -- she understands now in a way she couldn't have possibly understood before how every night he would turn is a complete and total violation of his free will. She talks a good game, and she sees the humanity in supernatural beings that not many other people would, but it's another thing to see their supernatural side at its very worst without anything to save you from it.
And just when you think it couldn't possibly get worse, Lucien was sick and twisted enough to throw her in there with him while he lived his worse fear. She just couldn't let him kill himself, even knowing what that could mean. Elena couldn't, especially not to spare her own life, and she doesn't linger on what that means.
All she knew was he couldn't die, and she grasped at straws that ended up being true.
It wasn't a test, though. It was just another one of Lucien's mind games, and Elena had no way of knowing Ethan would be made to believe what he did, much less would she have been able to find a way to get to him enough to stop it and she tried. Everything about the past weeks has been all about trying far past what should be anyone's human limits, and it never made any difference.
The reason they were saved had nothing to do with how hard they fought and how they hung in there. It just gives it more significance entirely by accident, and she couldn't quite help the bitterness of the thought aside from the relief that wrapped her hole.
Relief that it wasn't over. That they're not dead and that's all she could think about as she was locked away in one of the farthest rooms away from everyone else. She'd think about their dying, she would think about more gravestones, and they did learn there is something much less merciful than death but that didn't stop the fear, the horrifying thoughts.
Not the most horrible of them.
How can one allow themselves to believe the truly horrible, the most horrible of it all, and still be expected to go on? You can't. It's not possible, so you believe the delusion even if you know that's what it is.
Nothing could've, not until the end, and Elena still isn't sure how it all happened.
She hasn't given herself time to stop and think and process. She's only been able to handle one thing at a time and as soon as she could, her only thought was to get to him. Without even letting her think he might not believe her, that it might not work, she doesn't allow those alternatives to register because she has to make him see and he has to be okay.
Connor looks over at Logan, the heaviness inescapable in his eyes. He nods at the reassurance, and it is a reassurance in some way. Logan is one of the older ones and Connor still looks to him for guidance, because he sure as hell doesn't know what to do about anything now. There's the pain and there's the anger and there's the waiting.
It is agonizing to wait for confirmation to finally allow himself to believe that maybe it's over, but until there is, until there's some proof in his hands that he can believe beyond all doubt he's not letting himself rest. Not allowing himself to be relieved. Until then he waits, vigilant, and he does what he can.
As if he can do anything.
As he wonders, and he wonders as much as Logan, and Elena isn't keeping it from them but it's not -- it's not something that'll be coming from her anytime soon.
Elena shakes her head again, shovign down the pain that comes with those words. It's not like she didn't think what he was thinking, moments before she was dragged off. She thought it was the end. She was horrified to realize she'd been wrong and he would have to live with this, but it didn't happen and her grip on his face tightens helplessly so.
"No, you didn't. Ethan, it was the carcass of a deer. I'm fine. You didn't do anything to me," Elena says. It doesn't matter that the words might not reach him, she has to say them anyway, say them as many times as she can until she's blue in the face and he believes her.
Elena flinches when he pulles his hand away, and she doesn't try reaching for it again. At least, not that time. She understands. Why he looks at her the way he does, and the pain and guilt in his eyes is a punch to the gut. "It wasn't you," she says helplessly. "You didn't hurt me. I'm not scared of you."
If that makes her stupid, then she's stupid.
She doesn't move from her spot at his knees, and she practically holds her breath until his head is resting against her shoulder. Elena blinks back tears as her hand slides over the back of his head, her face leaning against his as she finally allows herself the breath. She cups the back of his head gently with a hand, not daring to move from her spot.
"Ethan, you're not," she whispers plaintively.
Elena draws back, but only so that she can see his face, touch it again with her hands. She draws back only so that she can look into his eyes when he opens them again. It hurts so much to see it all there, but it's better than the nothing. It's the nothingness that would really scare her, she wouldn't be able to handle that.
"You're not hallucinating. If you don't trust yourself, I need you to trust me."
Trust that what she is telling him is true.